The Most Horrible Thing
by cuddlebearlove
Summary: Fourteen year old Harry needs The talk and Albus gets stuck doing it. Not related to HP and the Unexpected Guardian oneshot.


Disclaimer: Not mine

The Most Horrible Thing

Minerva McGonagall approached the gargoyle guarding the headmaster's office. She quickly gave the password and stepped onto the revolving stairs.

At the top, Minerva raised her fist to knock. Before she had the chance, Albus' voice came from the other side of the door.

"Enter, Minerva."

Minerva walked into Albus' office and sat before him at his desk.

"Lemon drop? he offered.

Minerva shook her head.

"Well then, what can I help you with this afternoon, my dear?" he asked.

"I think you need to have a talk with Mr. Potter."

"Regarding what?"

"Sex" she said simply.

Albus choked on his candy. "Why do you believe I need to speak with Harry about sex?"

"Firstly, I don't believe anyone has yet. The boy is fourteen; someone needs to speak with him about it. Secondly, he trusts you, making you the perfect person to do it."

"You are his head of house. Why can't you do it."

"Because it must be a male. A young man does not wish to discuss sex with a female."

"But you believe a young man will be all right discussing it with his one-hundred and fifty year old headmaster?" he asked incredulously.

"You'll be fine. Remember, you were a teacher before you became headmaster." Minerva encouraged.

"I taught Transfiguration. That is a far cry from what you are suggesting I teach now."

"Harry is growing up. You don't want him to get into trouble because he lacks information, do you?"

"No." Albus sighed. He was going to have to do this. "I wonder how I can describe male/female relations with lemon drops."

"You can't." snapped Minerva. "Albus Dumbledore, you must take this seriously."

"Why are you so rushed to do this now? Has something happened?"

"No, nothing has happened yet. He should have the correct information before something does happens. Please do it soon."

It took three weeks, and several reminders from Minerva before Albus sent a note requesting Harry come to his office.

"What do you think he wants?" asked Ron, as he read the note over Harry's shoulder at breakfast one morning.

"I haven't got a clue." Harry answered.

"You aren't in trouble for anything, are you?" asked Hermione suspiciously.

"No. I've been too busy to get into trouble lately."

"Maybe it's about the Triwizard Tournament." Ron suggested.

"Maybe. I guess I'll find out this afternoon."

After classes, Harry went straight to the headmaster's office. He gave the gargoyle the password Dumbledore had included in his note and ascended the stairs.

"Enter." Albus called before Harry could knock.

"Ah, Harry. Please take a seat."

Harry sat nervously across from Dumbledore.

"Sir, is it Voldemort?"

"Hm, oh no. Nothing like that. How were your classes today?"

"All right." Harry answered. "Did you need to talk to me about the tournament?"

"No, that is also not why I called you here." Albus said. He didn't want to have to say why Harry was sitting in his office, but he knew it was an eventuality. Judging by the odd look Harry was giving him, it needed to be done soon.

"Am I in trouble?"

"No. It has been brought to my attention that, well, that you may need to talk to someone about something."

Harry was totally confused. He couldn't think of what Dumbledore was talking about. His eyes went wide.

"Has something happened to Sirius?"

"Oh no. Sirius is fine. The Ministry has no idea where he is." Albus answered. "Why didn't I think of Sirius." he thought. "He is Harry's godfather; this is his responsibility. He's just over in Hogsmeade. I bet I could get him here without anyone noticing."

"Please, sir. I'm worried. What's wrong?" Harry begged.

"Nothing is wrong. Why don't you go study?"

"Huh?"

"I'm sure you must have homework. It would be wise to start on it. You don't want to wait until the last minute. Good day."

When Harry returned to the common room, he was met with questions from both his best friends.

"What did he want?"

"Is it Voldemort?"

"Has Snuffles been captured?"

"What's going on."

"I don't know." Harry answered.

"What do you mean you don't know? You went to see Professor Dumbledore, didn't you?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah."

"So what happened?" she asked exasperatedly.

"He, well he didn't make much sense."

"Did he talk in those weird metaphors again?" asked Ron

"No. He rambled for a while and then dismissed me." Harry said.

"Odd." commented Hermione.

"Not really." Ron argued. "It is Professor Dumbledore."

Meanwhile, in a cave in Hogsmeade:

"I don't think so." Sirius said, completely nonplussed.

"Why not? Don't you want to see your godson?" Dumbledore asked.

"I have seen him. He's been visiting me here on Hogsmeade weekends."

"You are his godfather. It is your duty."

"He's known you for years. He only met me a few months ago." Sirius argued.

"You're younger. He would be more comfortable with you.

"You've known him longer. He would be more comfortable with you."

"Sirius-"

"Look, Albus. It would be different had I raised him. As I did not, I just don't think I can swoop into his life and play parent. I will watch over him and protect him and love him for the rest of my life, but I can't do this. Not yet, anyway."

"Very well." the headmaster answered.

At breakfast two days later, a school owl landed in front of Harry. Harry took the note and read it quickly.

"You've got to be kidding me." he said, looking up from the parchment.

"What's up, mate?" Ron asked.

Him and Hermione skimmed the note, then looked to their best friend.

"Good luck with that." Ron said.

"Try to find out why you are there this time." Hermione encouraged.

That afternoon, Harry once again found himself sitting before the headmaster's desk. The two sat, staring at each other for several minutes before Albus said anything.

"To get straight to the point, I have been told to tell you about sex." he said. Albus was convinced that straightforwardness would get any information through clearly, and would get this over with as quickly as possible.

"What?" Harry asked, turning scarlet.

"Has your uncle ever talked to you regarding this topic before?"

"Um, well one time he told me not to ever have sex because it would produce more freaks. That's about it. Don't worry, though. The older guys in the tower talk a lot."

"And that is where you have gleaned all of your information? Older teenagers?"

"Well, yeah."

"I find that mildly troubling." Albus said, thinking back on his own teenage years at Hogwarts. "Now, Harry, I am assuming you know the difference between men and women. Is this a correct assumption?"

Harry stared, dazed at his headmaster. Of all the things he had experienced in his short life, this was going straight to the top of the list of most horrible events.

"Harry?"

"Yeah." Harry said, slowly.

"Excellent. Now, when two people love each other very much, they may decide they want to have sex."

'"Can't two people who don't love each other do that?"

"Hm?"

"You don't have to actually love a person beforehand, do you? Can't you just like them a lot, or care about them. Also, can't you exchange sex for answers to homework?"

"What?"

"Well, that's what Fred said once."

"No, Harry. I mean, you could, but it is inadvisable. You see, making love is special and should be reserved for someone you love. Just having sex for the sake of doing it cheapens the experience somewhat."

"Okay. It doesn't necessarily have to be a guy and a girl, does it?"

"Well, no. That is the most common way, but it is not the only way. Are you asking for any particular reason?" Albus asked, thinking he might have to reevaluate some of the things he planned on saying.

"Oh, no. Not me. I was just wondering because the Dursleys were pretty closed minded is all."

"All right. Now, do you know how people engage in intercourse?"

"Yeah." Harry said, looking down.

"Do you understand how children are conceived."

"Yeah, um, are we almost done?"

"I'm not enjoying this any more than you are, dear boy. I fear repercussions if we don't get through this, though." Albus was specifically thinking of what Minerva would do to him if he didn't talk to him.

"Now, there are several potions and charms that can be used to prevent pregnancy. You may wish to read a book regarding this, as I certainly can not teach you how to brew the potions. That always was my worst subject while I was a student here, and I fear I have not improved greatly."

"You are far to young to have sex. People your age don't have the emotional capacity to deal with something as intimate as sexual relationships, so it is far better to wait until you are older. There are far-reaching emotional consequences that young people fail to understand properly."

Albus talked for another half hour about not using people or manipulating them for sex. He also discussed the dangers of emotional and physical abuse in relationships. By the time Harry walked out of the headmaster's office, he was plainly horrified.

"Are you kidding me?" asked Ron, as the trio sat in the common room. "Dumbledore gave you 'the talk'?"

"Yeah." Harry answered. He hadn't wanted to ever talk about what occurred in Professor Dumbledore's office, yet somehow his friends had broken his resolve.

"What all did he say?" asked Ron.

Harry reviewed everything he had been told.

"-then he gave me a lemon drop and told me if I ever had any questions I could come to him."

"Well, ' said Hermione comfortingly, "it could always be worse."

"How could it have been worse?" asked Ron.

"It could have been Professor Snape."

A/N: Well, there you have it. I don't know why, but you do. Please review, but don't flame. You knew what it was from the summary and still read it. It is not my fault if you are offended by things like this.


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